A Delicate Balance Called Sadism

E’s first sub didn’t want floggers, but fists. She didn’t want pretty rope. She wanted to find herself bruised and slobbering in a pool of her own vomit. Getting past his feminism well enough to go there with her took moxie, but the aftermath hurt him most. He was shocked at his own behaviour, and even more stunned that his body had responded.

E learned a lesson that day: restraint.

When we met, he produced his sadism in small doses, and I was too greedy for that. I wanted BDSM for breakfast and elevenses. And also for smackerels and tea. I couldn’t understand why he was so stingy with it. Now I do: his cruelty couldn’t be doled out in perfectly measured two litre parts. It grew and grew until he lost all self-respect, and he needed to keep it under control. Sadism doesn’t just go back to where it comes from like a genie in a bottle. Not without effort and thought, anyway.


There seem to be sadists who keep their equilibrium easily, but their experience isn’t universal. E controlled his inner monster, but I didn’t make it any easier. I nagged and pleaded and seduced. With every request, I upset his delicate balance more. At the time, I didn’t even know there was a delicate balance.

I’ve seen several tops leave the community because they couldn’t maintain their equilibrium as well as E did. Some have opened the door to power exchange only to find a monster too horrific to entertain. That’s one of many reasons tops are as vulnerable to consent violations as bottoms are. Our coercion can affect them gravely. When all the toys are cleaned and put away, they must face themselves in the mirror. They need every enth of support we can give them to achieve that, so we need to respect their process.

“Who are you?” said the caterpillar.

“I hardly know, sir, just at present – at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”” –Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

2 thoughts on “A Delicate Balance Called Sadism

  1. I’m late to the party, but now I’ve finally managed to navigate a brand new format here (did I mention I’m old enough to start hating change now lol?)

    I really like this piece. It made me think a little more about what I expect from my Husband, and how it must be a pretty wild ride on that end of the slash too. I know full well where my masochism takes me, and that it’s not a space that’s easy to move in and out of sometimes. I don’t often think of how he processes that, not since those first initial feelings of “OMGTHEGUILT” when we started out. That was a long time ago – I’m going to ask him how that works for him now.

    (I’m greedy too.)


    1. It’s hard not to be greedy about it. I ask toppy types this question all the time, and it’s actually been quite rare to come across D-types who suffer from this kind of guilt–probably because they’ve been doing this a while and have dealt with those feelings.


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