E’s first sub didn’t want floggers, but fists. She didn’t want pretty rope. She wanted to find herself bruised and slobbering in a pool of her own vomit. Getting past his feminism well enough to go there with her took moxie, but the aftermath hurt him most. He was shocked at his own behaviour, and even more stunned that his body had responded.
E learned a lesson that day: restraint.
When we met, he produced his sadism in small doses, and I was too greedy for that. I wanted BDSM for breakfast and elevenses. And also for smackerels and tea. I couldn’t understand why he was so stingy with it. Now I do: his cruelty couldn’t be doled out in perfectly measured two litre parts. It grew and grew until he lost all self-respect, and he needed to keep it under control. Sadism doesn’t just go back to where it comes from like a genie in a bottle. Not without effort and thought, anyway.
There seem to be sadists who keep their equilibrium easily, but their experience isn’t universal. E controlled his inner monster, but I didn’t make it any easier. I nagged and pleaded and seduced. With every request, I upset his delicate balance more. At the time, I didn’t even know there was a delicate balance.
I’ve seen several tops leave the community because they couldn’t maintain their equilibrium as well as E did. Some have opened the door to power exchange only to find a monster too horrific to entertain. That’s one of many reasons tops are as vulnerable to consent violations as bottoms are. Our coercion can affect them gravely. When all the toys are cleaned and put away, they must face themselves in the mirror. They need every enth of support we can give them to achieve that, so we need to respect their process.
“Who are you?” said the caterpillar.
“I hardly know, sir, just at present – at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”” –Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.