Dominant is Not a Synonym for Life Coach

Achieving the perfect SpanishRed Life is like solving the Navier-Stokes equation while climbing Everest and trying to win a debate with Richard Dawkins simultaneously. I must achieve balance if I’m to keep my chronic illness at bay. I must juggle clients, all of whom want their work delivered literally tomorrow and keep my creativity burning because every day is writing day. Finally, I must stay on top of mental illness. In any given week, I have to juggle blood tests, doctors’ visits, and 24 hour deadlines, to say nothing of doggo love and friendships.

I’ve held this balance for years purely because I’ve spent 22 years mastering it. I might not be the best person to manage your life, but when it comes to mine, I’ve done all my levelling up, so when dominants speak of how their role includes guiding lowly subs towards a better quality of life, all the blood seeps out of my head.


Being a sub doesn’t make my quality of life inferior, and if it did, being on the right of the slash wouldn’t make me incapable of bringing back the daisies and sunshine. I’m not a sub because I’m bad at my job or lack the social skills to maintain my friendships. The kinky framework I enjoy doesn’t negate my ability to build a lifestyle infrastructure either. Quite the opposite. My life is one long frolic in the grass because if there’s one thing I know, it’s how to be happy in this quirky body.

My life might be more complex than others, but that doesn’t make healthy s-types any worse at designing their lives. We might like to serve. We might like a particular brand of sex and a dominant partner, but none of these things translates into a need for guidance.

Your dominant label exists because you gave it to yourself. You picked it off a dropdown menu and flogged a few people. What you *didn’t* do is win guruhood as a super fantastic life coach. The way you choose to structure your romance says the following things about your life skills:

-1) Crickets

-2) Crickets

-3) Crickets

The mere fact that you assume all subs need your rescuing tells me you completely lack the ability to do so. It speaks to your poor opinion of us and shows a pretty blurry view of what D/s is about: creating a unique dynamic that fits your relationship like Tom Ford’s skinny white shirt.

You’re not a dominant until you earn someone’s submission, and that requires humility, not this swaggering Chopra-esque view of submission you’re touting. To earn that kind of respect, you need to look up to your sub, not down at them. I acknowledge that some people enjoy TPE, but if you’re choosing it because you assume all slaves are life-stupid and you’re superior, you’ll never wield total power.

At the heart of every healthy dynamic is love, and that requires dominants to open their eyes and see their subs for who they are. With 20/20 vision, maybe you’ll manage to treat each sub as an individual with their own hopes about the kind of power exchange that compels them.

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