How to Get a Blowjob in a Thousand Easy Steps

I’m a blowjob connoisseur, and that doesn’t mean I love giving blowjobs more than I love Ferrero Roche, although I do. It doesn’t mean I love giving blowjobs so much that I have a repetitive trauma injury in my fucking mouth, although I do (don’t ask). What it means is that I appreciate a man who’s good at getting blowjobs. Blowjob-receiving-skill is a real thing that exists. I’m willing to concede that, in the same way some people like merlot and some people like shiraz, my preferences might not be universal. Then again, to do that, I’d have to concede that I’m not always right, so there’s that. <ahem>

There are men who behave like feral, primal, out-of-control animals when they get blowjobs and there are men who behave like my Aunty Lou does when she eats high tea with a cake fork. Two guesses as to which of those I like better. A man who can lose control so thoroughly that he no longer has a clue where his head is <pun intended> during a blowjob is worth his weight in Nutella, and that shit’s more expensive than gold. Okay, it’s not, but don’t tell anyone that.

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When I’m giving a blowjob, I want a man who can let go. I want a man who’s clearly having the time of his damn life. I want a man who takes what he wants when he wants it—one who doesn’t give two fucks whether he leaves my throat sore for two weeks, doesn’t give half a fuck if he cums in my mouth and leaves my (poor neglected) vagina unsatisfied because I like selfish blowjob-receivers. I like them violent. I like them authentic. I can tell the difference between a controlled thrust and an Oh-mi-fucking-gooooodddd thrust, and if you don’t have the latter for me, you suck at getting blowjobs.

Creativity gets points, too, which, on the surface, might seem a bit out of keeping with the out-of-control part, but dig deeper, and it makes perfect sense. A man who takes what he wants, hell, who actually thinks about what he wants, is way more likely to give me a bit of variety in the reaction department, and what’s a blowjob for if not to give a sub a lady boner? I mean a dom a boner.

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