The Puzzle of E

I could wonder what E did to make me the sub I was for years on end without coming up with a conclusive answer. It was that mysterious and insane. How does a man get a brat like me to turn into a sub? How does he get a disciplined person like me to let go absolutely?

How does he turn a vanilla feminist into an utter whore? I wish I knew. I think it was magic. I think he put Viagra in my food and hypnotised me while I slept. Okay. So that’s not likely, but I do occasionally come up with some more rational theories about it.

One of the things that made him different was that he had zero sense of entitlement as a dominant. He didn’t expect anything from me—not even the slightest ounce of submission, and so he got it all. Lack of entitlement comes with a special side effect: gratitude. He genuinely appreciated the tiniest things I gave him, so I gave him the big things, the absurd things, the things I’d never dream of giving a man.

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If you know me at all, you’ll know how unlikely it is that I would become an obedient 24/7 sub, yet there I was, running after his every desire and need. If he wanted me available at 3 O’clock on a Tuesday morning, he got it. If he wanted me to do some absurd task before lunchtime, that’s what I did. If he wanted to talk to me from 16:00 till 4:00, that’s what he got because gratitude is the secret ingredient of my submission. Pleasing is what I get out of the deal. I’m selfish that way, so of course gratitude is going to unlock the service sub in me.

I didn’t need much else from him because he listened to me. He always made sure I was well and cared for, which is why I could let go so utterly. If you want a sub who is uninhibited and virtually limitless, trust is what you need to earn from them. Trust and safety are potent forces.

Selfishness is the easiest way to turn your sub off kink for the duration of your relationship. Why give when a dominant feels entitled to it? What joy is there in fulfilling expectations? I want to make a dominant happy, and giving what’s already expected doesn’t achieve that, so an entitled top is asking for altruism from me.

Fuck altruism. I sub for kicks. I sub to feel the joy in a dominant’s response. I sub because he wallows in the things I do for him with enough pleasure to make me ache.

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