The Vulnerable Sadist

I usually play with a certain degree of blanket consent. I don’t sit down to write out every last thing I’m willing to do. I let my top bring things to play that I’ve not explicitly agreed to—essentially anything that isn’t a hard limit because I don’t want a service top. Giving him enough free reign to approach types of play that make me uncomfortable creates a dynamic that I very much do like—D/s.

I choose edgy play. That is what I enjoy. I hope that my top will trust me enough to know that I won’t wake up in one morning and blame him for the consequences of my having agreed to consensual nonconsent. I play with that dynamic because that is part of what submission means to me.

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Every time he raises a hand to me, a sadist takes enormous risks: will I turn my regret into anger? Will I accuse him of abuse? Will I judge the softest, most intimate part of his sexuality? Will I take the vulnerability he shows me and piss all over it? The amount of blanket consent we can work with is 100% reliant on how much he trusts me and how vulnerable he‘s willing to be with me.

I’m a relatively intelligent person. I am, at least, smart enough to choose the type of consent I prefer responsibly and to accept the consequences if what’s done to me is beyond what I expected. As long as my dom is acting on my safe word, as long as he’s using his powers of observation, he’s sticking to his side of the bargain. I’m the one who chooses not to show up with a script. I choose to keep my hard limits vague. I’m grateful for tops who trust me enough to be that flexible.

A top is at his most vulnerable when he’s exposing his sadistic side. He’s not hard in those moments. He’s at his softest and most trusting. If he makes a mistake, if he takes it too far, it will be because he was courageous enough to show me the real him. I would be terrified if I were in those shoes.

I don’t recommend my brand of consent to anyone. I recommend the very opposite because my brand is not safe. I choose it because I know that if I’m triggered or a dominant goes too far with me, I’m strong enough to deal with it. I’ve been doing this long enough to understand my responses when things go wrong in a scene. I’m willing to take that risk. It’s mine to take.

I grow tired of the lack of appreciation this community shows for the vulnerability of our sadists. There are 50 shades of grey between consent and consent violation. If I wanted only black and white, I would make a 20-page list of acts I was prepared to participate in and colour code my degree of willingness with five highlighters and a blue pencil.

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