I’d Like to be A Dominate Please

Dear @JohnBaku

My name is Norman, and I’d like to become a Dominate, please. Not a kinkster or a top, but a Dominate (capital letter). I don’t know anything about sadisticilism, per se, but I did watch Fifty Shades of Grey and if you check my Facebook page, you’ll see I can tie a reef knot with my shoelaces. I found my personal spirit feather by the duck pond yesterday, so I can definitely do that thing Christian Grey did with that hottie with the bewbs. I like bewbs. If you check my Facebook again, you’ll see I keep a running list of the best 50 bewbs in Hollywood, just like all Dominates are surely required to do??? I’ve attached the top 10 in a Word doc. so you can check if my choices are worthy of my D title.


My mum said I should start with my qualifications. Well, I’m a bit brooding, and I’ve always worn this plug in my left ear, which I believe adds to my gravitas. I’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People (especially the part about Brad Pitt) and I have an okay aim. Like, I can get the ball in the rubbish bin from 200 strides, so I’m obviously a flogging expert just waiting to be discovered. (I’ve attached a photo of the ball in the bin in case you don’t believe me.)

To me, being a Dominate is about more than just being able to light candles and paint pictures on women’s backs. You have to be obsessed with those things, or else you don’t deserve to be hired by The Great John Baku as an Official Fetlife Dom. And believe me, candles are all I think about. That and these used panties I bought from my neighbour’s garage sale.

All I talk about when I meet my buddies is how it would be super-great if *all* men cared enough about string to steal a shop window dummy to practice rigging on for five hours a day. But then everyone would be applying to get hired as doms, and you wouldn’t have a second spare to consider this letter from a *truly* knowledgeable kinkster.

John, I know that you and most other people in this community insist that dominance is a skill that is practiced in real life, but I’m part of the new generation, and we have *real* girlfriends. Do you think they’re willing to let guys put bananas in their asses and clothes pins in their hair? Let me tell you, Millennial chicks are not into that kind of shit, so we up and coming domly types have to basically make our superb skill a part of our masturbatory adventures alone. We more than make up for that through sheer expertize and passion. I know everything there is to know about being a Jamie Dornan disciple—certainly more than you.

I’m ready to do a Skype Interview so I can tell you how I use Photoshop to improve my dick pics—a domly skill that tops every domly skill, right? Right!

So please will you make me a Dominate?

Variation of I’d Like to Be a Creative Director, Please

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