I’m a hypocrite when it comes to kink. I want you (whoever you are) to be 100% safe from harm. Me? I’ll do whatever I like, thanks. I’ll push the edges of my limits just to find out what it feels like. If a bright and shiny new kind of play catches my attention, I’m all in there with a gazillion cylinders firing. I’m good with getting triggered and sobbing like a two-year-old who didn’t get what she wanted from the sweet aisle, but don’t you dare do the same. It’s not safe, doncha know?
One of my favourite bloggers, Mark Manson, wrote a famous post called, “Fuck Yes or No.” It says,
“Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.”
We’re doing stuff that’s just a tad riskier than removing a shirt here in BDSM Land, so The Theory of Fuck Yes and Fuck No applies even more. If you’re not feeling your fuck yes about that soft limit she’s pushing, then it’s fuck no, and you need to safe word. Me? I’ve never safe worded. I’ve crawled into a sobbing hot mess of pain, but I’ve never said ‘red’ once in my life because I’m a special snowflake. Harm can’t harm me. <facepalm> I don’t need to feel a “fuck yes” to let you shatter my soft limits in a way that’s intolerable to me. Just make sure you don’t let anyone do the same to you. </hypocrisy>
I care more about you than I care about myself. Ain’t that a healthy way to do this kink thing? </sarcasm> I have a lot of “fuck no” limits on my ever-growing list, and god help you if you fuck with them. As for the rest, I purposefully exist in ambivalence.
And that’s how a sub can fuck up their role in this consent deal. Some of us are in long-term relationships in which trust has been built enough to support a consensual nonconsent or TPE dynamic, and more power to them. Me? I’d probably do better if I listened to Mark Manson.