Mentorship is Not a Crown You Can Choose Yourself

I’m a glitchy sub. There are viruses written into my code that make me go bug-eyed. My biggest malfunction sets in when I encounter The Uber Mentor-Type Dom: the guy who thinks dominance means teaching your submissive how to be a better person.

I missed the lesson about sexual preferences raising your emotional quotient. The fact that submission gets me off does not make me inferior to you. You’re just another imperfect person, and the second you think otherwise is the second you lose my respect. Respect being somewhat important to my submission, your lack of modesty turns me into a domme. I will whip your ass into shape faster than you can say, “Ma’am.”

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Sadistic preferences don’t qualify you as a lay therapist cum life coach. A desire for sexual control doesn’t make you more gifted at living than those who prefer to give up control. Do they teach you life skills in Dom School? Or did you just have better parents than we lowly subs did?

Being a sub doesn’t automatically make you want to turn your romantic relationships into growth opportunities. I’m sure most subs want to grow. I hope most dominants want to grow, too. But subs do not necessarily want to grow with the substandard support of a dude who wants respect on the merit of his preference for spanking. I choose mentors based on their character strengths, not their rope talent.

A couple of the men I look up to as mentors are doms, but they got there by being them, not by being D-types. Neither claim to know the secret ingredient to successful living. Both live in a way that I aspire to. Here’s the kicker: there are as many subs who I look up to as there are dominants.

One of the D-types I see as a mentor acts in that capacity for some of his subs, so it’s not the dynamic itself that annoys me. It’s the assumption that your dominant label makes you mentorship material that makes me go all buggy. The second you think it does, you lose your humility because mentorship is not a crown you can choose yourself. It’s one only others can give you. A failure to understand that likely removes your capacity to mentor anyone.

I like my relationships to be boundaried. Mixing sex and therapy would be unhealthy for me because at what point do I fire the mentor without breaking up with the dom? How do I leave the dom without losing the lay therapist? D/s will always be primarily about sex and love to me. I like it that way, and I prefer not to muddy those waters.

Funny how I’ve never come across a domme who waxes lyrical about how she guides her subs to a better life or uses The Zen of Flogging to help them achieve enlightenment. Can you say ‘heteronormative’?

Shit. There’s me acting like a feminazi again. Sorry.

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