Sub frenzy felt like drowning in honey. Sounds were muted, the entire universe retreated, and the only thing in my myopic view was the next time I could have sex. That doesn’t mean that sex could dial that desperation back. Nothing could achieve that, so my days became dominated by a sickly sweet itch that never, ever went away. The energy that level of obsession uses up is startling.
The only thing that kept me from fucking random people I found on the street was my monogamous relationship. And thank god for that, because frenzy could have become a serious liability. It erased all sense, obliterated any restraint, and made me feel like a junkie.
In those days, I had no kink community to explain what I was going through. The only lens I had to look through was that of hypersexuality. What else could it be? Dr Google told me I was schizoaffective. No. I was suddenly bipolar. No. I had an androgen imbalance. Is that a real thing? It must because here I am, being hypersexual. I wondered how long I could tolerate that infernal itch, but the haze of hours and days just kept on marching by anyway. There. Was. No. Relief.
The only break I got from it was my mother’s death. That’s hardly an event that brings rest, and by the time I arrived back home from her funeral, I was ready to stumble through that honey again, even through tears.
I’m beyond grateful that I couldn’t access any D-types after my relationship ended. I didn’t know Fetlife existed, and I would never have dreamed there was a kink community in this rudimentary country of mine. By the time I came upon the site, my frenzy had receded, but I was still affected enough to make irresponsible choices, so I made no choices at all.
It was the only way to stay safe. For me, frenzy was more mind-altering than subspace. Protecting myself meant distrusting myself, and I’d more than proved that I was unworthy of anyone’s trust in that state. Not around sex, anyway.
Those days are some of my favourite memories now, but I still hope I won’t have to repeat them.
I’ve seen new subs joining our local community frenzied out of their wits. The story doesn’t always end well. Abusers seem to have some kind of mystical ability to pick them out of the pack, so I believe we have a duty to close ranks around them until they find sanity again. Even so, there’s only so much we can do. Ultimately, it’s up to frenzied subs to find self-control at a time when restraint is at its least attractive.