Things I Wish I’d Always Known About Kink

Getting a reference from a top’s friend or current play partner is like asking Donald Trump what he thinks of Donald Trump. Get references from people your potential play partner isn’t on good terms with.

When someone tells you how obedient you should be as a sub, ignore them. Kink is supposed to be fun. It’s not a religion or a professional undertaking. People with “BDSM textbooks” know less than those without. Do you. Be you. Love you.

Nobody speaks about consent quite as convincingly as a particular breed of predator. Never trust someone based on their words.


Those who run events are often worthy of their roles, but mostly, they’re just people who have the resources to host. Their parties aren’t a sign that they’ve been vetted.

When someone ignores your small boundaries, listen to what they’re telling you. They will move on to “greater” things.

Consent violations can stack up in secret for many, many years. Just because someone’s been around the community forever, doesn’t mean they respect their bottoms. Playing within the BDSM community is safer. Safer is not a synonym for safe.

Subs can violate consent as well as dominants can, and one of the best ways to prevent that is to know yourself and be true to your own needs.

Meeting someone you know from your vanilla life at a kink event is less distressing than you think. It’ll probably make your friendship five times closer.

Safe words are tools. They aren’t flaws that devalue your submission.

You can learn your topping skills from YouTube as well as I can learn to be a physician through Google.

BDSM doesn’t have to be dark or serious. Be who you want to be, even if that entails lightness and laughter.

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