Step by Step Guide to Your First Week on Fetlife

  • Post a photograph of your vagina with something artsy like a paintbrush sticking out.
  • Decide that’s not ambitious enough and replace the paintbrush with a Coke Can.
  • Maybe crushing the can will make it fit.
  • Maybe you should just use Photoshop.
  • Reply to all 623 messages you get telling them to stop referring to your vulva as a vagina. There’s a difference.
  • No, you wouldn’t prefer them to call it a va-jay-jay.
  • You don’t want to have a conversation with them about your vagina either, bloody hell.


  • Maybe just delete your vagina photo.
  • Read 300 messages asking where your vagina went.
  • ̶C̶o̶m̶m̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶.̶ ̶
  • O̶k̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶a̶u̶l̶t̶?̶ ̶

  • Fine. Just murder the spider in your bathroom then.
  • Change your profile gender to “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’townavaginaanymore.”
  • Read 320 messages asking you what an “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’townavaginaanymore” is.
  • E̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶p̶u̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶i̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶a̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶i̶a̶n̶t̶i̶.̶
  • Oh, right, you need that to find a new boyfriend. Fine, spider stew it is.
  • Realise spiders taste exactly like chicken.
  • Get serious about hunting for a Tom Hardy lookalike who likes getting caught in the rain and who’s not into junk food but is into champagne.
  • When you find him, send a message explaining that you’re not really an “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’townavaginaanymore” but a woman with a fully operational vagina.
  • Read his message about how he’d really like to fuck your vulva with a coke can. Ew.
  • Start hunting for a Tom Hardy lookalike wh̶̶̶o̶̶̶’̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶? ̶
  • W̶h̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶t̶e̶s̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶?̶ ̶
  • Realise there are no boyfriends on Fetlife.
  • Drink a bottle of champagne while replaying the clip where Tom Hardy shags that brunette with the nose.
  • Dlink some jumk flood, fleet moar chambain, and try fit a coke can in yore vajayjay four reelz zis time.
  • Chrange yore boozername to “ResentfullySelibit.”
  • Fleat your computer nonitor with fava breans and a flice chianti.
  • Realise it tastes ezzactly like chicken.

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