All Your New Sub Problems Solved

Getting a new sub is exactly like getting a new puppy: Your entire life becomes a joy-filled paradise covered in magic and drool. Unlike dominants, who are only good at eating bacon, subs are gifted at basically everything (except cooking bacon, cleaning the toys, and being obedient.) If a new sub is malfunctioning, it’s always the dominant’s fault, but this guide will help you fix that.

My new sub keeps taking photos of my penis in a teeny paper hat and a sharpie mouth while I’m sleeping.

That this even bothers you is clear evidence that there’s just no pleasing doms. I mean, what are you going to ask for next? For your sub to stop putting cream in the toothpaste tube? You can fix this problem by being grateful that your penis will soon be the latest Fetlebrity.


My sub whines every time I take the butt plug out the cupboard.

Whining is an important talent for all submissives to develop. Reward her with cupcakes.

My sub toilet papered my computer and now there’s wet wads of it in between my keyboard keys.

Subs only do this when they truly love you. This sub deserves a bottle of Chanel.

Every time I tell my sub to kneel, she does the chicken dance on her way down.

This is definitely not acceptable, so this sub needs a proper belt whipping. Subs l̶o̶v̶e̶ hate belt whippings.

My sub cooked me dinner.

Subs’ vaginas fall out when they cook. Never let this happen again.

My sub rubbed hair removal cream on my pubes and now my penis looks like an elephant trunk.

Penises absolutely love looking like elephant trunks. That you don’t know this is proof that you’ve never had a heart to heart conversation with your cock.

My sub buried the barbed wire flogger in the garden, and now she won’t tell me where.

The first step to happiness is acceptance. The second step is to stop asking your sub where the flogger is buried. If it’s in the garden, it’s because it truly wants to be.




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