How to Release Your Inner Twatsicle

I receive a virtual shit-ton of one-word messages on Fetlife, “Hey!!!!” and “ “kik?” being by far the most captivating. The unsolicited 2, 000-word emails that are actually just pretentious, unbearably long versions of “wanna cyber fuck?” trump them all, though. Like most amateur novels, they come with far too much information. Complete strangers have told me about everything from their anal symptoms to their erectile dysfunction in some misguided attempt to get laid.

Women who don’t even know you exist should be allowed to continue our lives without images of your penis rash in our heads, don’t you think? And no, planting hypersexual words into a non-sexual story to trick me into cybersex won’t work either.


Ah! There’s the fucking rub: cybersex. That goal is ubiquitous to almost every annoying message I receive.

I have a theory about why these men are so awkward (obviously, because when do I not have a theory?) They’ve had it (rightfully) beaten into them that making their sexual interest obvious from the get-go is offensive, so now they try to hide their intentions under a million layers of “what the actual fuck?” This is a good theory, even if I say so myself. I’m going to win the Nobel Prize for Physics for this one. I just know it.

The intelligent alternative to sending strangers “wanna fuck?” messages is to stop treating us like sex objects. The twatiscle’s alternative is to try to manipulate us into hearing your “wanna fuck” message, which will no doubt arrive three days after your covert “wanna fuck” message if we engage with you.

Women have so many of these exchanges that we become experts at predicting what you’re going to do next. The reason we’re usually proved right about you is that there are no new manipulative behaviours under the sun, and there aren’t that many, either. You’re doing exactly what thousands before you have done.

If you don’t understand why we get annoyed with your covert strategy, you need a clear picture of what manipulation is: Hiding important information from your target in order to coerce them into doing something they wouldn’t otherwise do if they had all the information you’re burying. We can spot the signs, so if you’re covertly objectifying us, be assured that your technique is actually not that covert.

Fortunately, this problem is reeeaally easy to solve: Treat us respectfully… you know, the way you treat real people because we *are* real people. We aren’t objects or accessories, and we most certainly aren’t your wank fodder. If you want to take it a step further, try authenticity. Women can spot that a mile away, and we think it’s sexy. Manipulation? That’s not sexy. Badly hidden manipulation? That will put me off sex with everyone on the planet for the entire time you’re in my head. Much like your penis rash, in fact.

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