Fetlife Isn’t a Dating Site

Fetlife is not a dating site. It says so right here in the TOU. Right overrrr… uh… give me a minute. I know it’s here. Uh… Apparently, Fetlife is a dating site if you want it to be—as long as you pretend to be here for purely anthropological reasons. If you do get laid thanks to Fetlife, it must be completely by accident. It says so right here in the TOU… uh…

No, seriously, Fetlife is not a dating site. We’re there to socialise platonically while talking about sex and showing everyone our naked bodies. It’s true. John Baku said so right in his journal… uh…


Fuck it. Fetlife is the perfect way to meet men online. Unlike traditional dating sites, you get to see them interacting with people they have no interest in fucking. With a few key observational skills, you have a better chance of filtering out assholes and marginally improved odds of tracking down kinky dudes here than you do on OkCupid. </understatement> Again, purely for ethnological reasons, of course.

Why can’t we use Fetlife as a dating site? When did hunting for D-types or even (gasp) for women become a bad thing? Isn’t oiling the cogs of romance and sexuality a good deed? Romance makes you happy. It makes me happy. It makes everyone happy.

What we, as a gender (who is here purely to observe the sociostructural characteristics of The Kink Tribe, obviously) have a problem with is not dating, but disrespect.

Your “Hiiii!!! U fuk me yes now?” message is the digital equivalent of the Neanderthal who just stuck his head out of his car while I was on my way home to scream about how he wanted to have sex with me. In what universe does the woman in that scenario stop talking on her phone and scream back, “Let’s do it baby! Right here. Right now”?

We’re not asking you to perform brain surgery or make a spaceship fergodsakes. We’re asking you to use your intuitive powers to figure out if we’d welcome an advance before you do the big reveal. The internet has not taken the need for courtesy out of flirting.

Getting back to the point, if Fetlife isn’t a social media/dating site, I am made entirely of glitter and feathers. I flirt with men there all the time. Observe: I’ve met a few Fet men who belong over my kitchen counter as my naked body lies sprawled and shackled on top of it. I’ve met a few very fuckable (and unfortunately foreign) Fet men, and most importantly, I’ve met local friends here who are well worth fucking.

When we rant about your cavemanlike advances, we too often throw the sub out with the waterboarding bucket by telling you Fetlife is not a dating website. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not because we want to commit to a lifetime of celibacy. We just want people to stop objectifying us right from square one. We want to be treated as though we’re real people because we are real people.

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