Where Shame Goes to Die

It’s easy to forget who I was before kink became a part of my everyday life. It’s easy to forget how terrified I was to tell just one person all these sexual secrets, let alone to talk about them out in public where hundreds of strangers could read them. It’s easy to forget that I once thought my sexuality made me perverse and that revealing my truth would only bring rejection.

I remember my first play party well: sitting in the smoker’s corner amazed that the girl in the slip of a dress was talking to me so proudly about her exhibitionism. On the floor in the playroom watching two people put their sexualities on display for whoever walked in the door. In the bathroom trying to come to terms with all this oh-my-god-I’m-just-the-same-as-them.

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When I posted my first piece about my kink on Fetlife, I could barely breathe. I hadn’t yet read enough of your posts to realise I was saying precisely what everyone else was saying, just in different words. I was not abnormal. I did not need to keep all those secrets. I didn’t need all that terror.

I love this community because it taught me to be proud of my sexuality, to see D/s as beautiful and healthy instead of depraved. My first dom opened the door to acceptance, but you shut the door to judgement forever. I will never be able to see myself as abnormal again. I’ve seen too much of you for that.

Fetlife and my local community have given me years of therapy you just can’t get out in the vanilla world. Shame really does die on exposure, and I have 400 posts behind me that expose more than I ever believed I’d feel comfortable to share.

The first time I spoke to someone from Fetlife about my history with degradation, I was so scared I could barely put the sentences together. Now I’ve put out post after post about it with as much fear as I’d have about telling you I’m a Hendrix fan. In my early posts, I tried to hide behind words. Now, I try to reveal as much as I can.

It’s easy to forget what life was like before you made me comfortable with exposure. It’s easy to forget how lonely it was to keep my kinks locked up in some dark room that no partner would ever get access to, let alone see with the light on.

The lights are on, now, and I’m so, so grateful.

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