Yesterday, I caught myself playing a phone game while waiting for a mobile browser to load while watching a movie on my desktop. This is commonly known as “too many options”, and it fucks me over every single time. Immersion makes me happy. I need to bury myself in every moment if I’m to love it, and I can’t do that if I’m distracted by a different moment. This is precisely why I’m monogamous.
Last month, I tried cable for the first time. I’d find a perfectly good series, but I’d wonder if it was the best series showing right then. I’d surf until I found another perfectly good show, and then I’d leap back into channel surfing. By the time I’d seen all the channels, the awesome series I’d found first had ended, so I’d have to get back to searching. Two hours later, I’d seen nothing but my options, and I’m the same with open relationships. Will I find out which men are on offer that way? Sure. Will I immerse myself in even one of them? Nope. Who was that guy who did a perfect impersonation of Nicholas Cage and fucked like a Nine Inch Nails song? Um. Oh, right, that was Steve, but is he really better than the one who brought glitter to the play party? Maaaaybe. I don’t know. I think I’ll meet that dude with the hair from OKCupid now.
Too many options make me fussy and dissatisfied.
Some people carry their partners like water in their palms. When I try to do that, I land up white knuckling into a fist, and all that water drains between my fingers. I have to jump into the deep end until the water reaches my neck and feel a relationship’s presence lapping against my face. Anything less just confuses me.
Shagging someone who’s shagging my friend who’s shagging a different friend who’s shagging me brings to mind too many questions: Are we serious? Will we stop being serious if you get serious with someone else? What does commitment even look like in this scenario? These questions are why my open relationships have always had a primary partner. I need one still point in the centre of the chaos, but that’s offensive and unethical when it comes to other partners. Trouble is I get too immersed in one partner to manage anything different.
Basically, I’m too confused to be poly, much as I’d like to give you a few “ohms” and some “Namastes” as excuses. And face it: If poly were simple, there’d be a lot fewer posts on K&P about it. Here’s my essay about how to do monogamy, by the way: