Open Letter to the Sub Who Won’t Do Events

Attending kink events is intimidating for most of us. We’ve all been scared of running into our Great Aunt Agatha at a play party, but in the end, those of us who overcome that fear get the rewards. We get to bring our desires to life and do so more safely.

And if we do see Agatha in fishnets at a kink event, our relationship with her only improves. We’ve found common ground, and that brings us closer. That’s well worth the initial embarrassment.

You’re hoping a complete stranger is going to give you a detailed cyber-map of D/s. Most people on Fetlife are not going to provide that for you unless you demonstrate that you’re willing to put effort into learning on your own steam. Developing relationships with your local community is a kind of vetting, and most of us will trust you more if you bother with it.


You’re hoping to find a top by cold-messaging strangers, but dominance is a privilege you earn by proving you’re trustworthy. You’re too new to kink safety anyway. You really should sit tight and observe until your sub frenzy burns itself out.

Learning what it is to be a sub on the internet is like trying to find out what truffles taste like by listening to someone describe them to you. You can’t find out what you think about needles or rope by listening to stories, and your intention to find kinksters away from events is unlikely to serve you. It’s easier to fish for salmon in a river than a desert. How will you find D-types unless you go where they do?

You’ve asked me to introduce you to BDSM, but you’re unwilling to learn—not by trying, not by mixing with mentors, not even by reading. If you won’t invest in your safety, I won’t invest my online time into you because the only thing I get out of exchanges like this is the knowledge that your BDSM beginnings are safe and risk aware.

If you’d demonstrated any willingness to get to munches and classes, I would have been willing to have this conversation with you, but you’ve shut down my suggestions of integrating into the community. You’ve shut down my suggestions about contacting the leaders of your local scene. You’ve shown no interest in finding out how consent works in D/s relationships. You only want the sexy parts of kink. That right there is your pathway to getting harmed, and I don’t light lamps to that kind of city. You’ll have to get there on your own.





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s