Female Orgasms are Like a Box of Chocolates

My vagina functions like a perfectly tuned machine. Kiss me once and I’m as lubed up as a government-issue condom. I don’t have a clue what it’s like to have malfunctioning parts, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I’ll never have to deal with anything as unreliable as an erection, and if I did, I would have performance anxiety 24/7. Thank god my sexy bits are tucked away where they can do their thing quietly.

Women’s bodies come with a far better benefit than that, though: orgasms. We can have them over and over. We can have more or longer, and if we want better, we can have that, too. Stronger Kegels bear down on each other harder, which means turbo-charged orgasms. We can create a self-fulfilling hyper-orgasmic cycle just by working our Kegels the fun way: with more orgasms. I accept thanks in the form of chocolate.


I once asked a man what his orgasms felt like. He described a feeling in no more than a square foot of his body. One man is obviously a massive sample size, and my study thus has a 95% confidence interval, which essentially means all of mankind’s orgasms suck, comparatively speaking.

My orgasms swallow my entire body and the next day I’m left wondering how these muscles I didn’t even know existed got such a hardcore workout. Women can have different kinds of orgasms depending on what’s being stimulated, how, and with what. We have G-spot orgasms, clitoral orgasms, combo orgasms… hell, even my second orgasm feels different to the first. Basically, female orgasms are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get </Gump>

If I suddenly turned into a man, I would be infinitely disappointed with my sex life. It makes me wonder about the evolutionary benefits of the (superior) female orgasm. Male orgasms have a goal: to impregnate, but women ovulate all by their own damn selves. All we really need is the motivation to let a man come near us, a task that a standard male-quality orgasm would surely fulfil.

… But what if women don’t have more orgasm potential after all? What if most men are just not adventurous enough to figure out how all their equipment works? I’ve known a few multi-orgasmic men, so my question is this: Are you really aware of everything your bodies can do for you or are you so terrified of your prostates that you’d rather exist with your one foot squared, two-second orgasm? Inquiring minds want to know.

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