What to Expect When You Go To Your First Munch

When you arrive, the initial 10-minute interview will establish if you have enough BDSM experience deserve our kinky company. If you fail the compulsory written “Consent and Negotiations” exam, you will be forced to wear spaghetti as hair.

If you pass the test, we’ll give you The Kinky Password and let you through to the next section of the restaurant. If you have vanilla fantasies like PiV sex and blowjobs. (ptuey!) the official munch psychic will shout, “You. Shall. Not. Pass!” This is how you will know that you shall not pass.

Why are you looking at me like that? This is totally legit.

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If you’ve had PiV sex before or don’t know what PiV sex is, you’re unlikely to pass the third phase, but in case vanillas sneak through, our fourth phase volunteers will tie you to the St Andrews cross in the corner of the restaurant and cover your naked body in feathers and superglue. If you can stay there without whining for the full duration of the munch, we might decide to remove your vanilla credentials and sit at the table at the next munch.

You are required to hand your phone to The Munch King, who will call everyone on your contacts list to tell them you’re kinky. This is for your own benefit because we’ve found that kinksters who come of the closet early adapt more happily to their new, kinky lifestyles.

If you attend the munch wearing jeans instead of a corset and a ball gag, a box containing diapers and a clown suit will be provided for your convenience. You will be required to wear them. This is also for your benefit–we’ve found that kinksters who feel like one of us adapt more happily to their new, kinky lifestyles.

Three munch volunteers will now go around to all the vanilla people in the restaurant saying, “See her? She’s looking for someone to make her Clown Daddy dreams come true. Wanna?” Someone always accepts our offer, so you can expect your first official kinky munch sex to occur on your first attendance.

Stop looking at me like that. What’s the alternative? That we just show up in vanilla clothes and talk about Orange is the New Black? Don’t be ridiculous.

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