I wanted to move the earth for Dom A, so every day was an adventure. My limits dropped like dominoes and I never quite knew where the day might take me. He always respected my “no”, but my refusals rarely lasted longer than a few days. His suggestion would roll around in my head becoming more and more tempting with each passing sigh.
I went into the next relationship thinking I knew my identity in the kink landscape. Surely the fact that I’d been so malleable with Dom A meant that was just the type of sub I was? I began my relationship with Dom B behaving as though he was everything my previous partner had been. It was a grave mistake. This was not a man willing to protect my safety—this was a sadist who cared more about his pride and pleasure than his skill.
The first time a scene got out of control, I put it down to a beginner’s error, but eventually, those mistakes turned into chaos. He didn’t pick up any of the pieces he was chipping off me with his unwillingness to take care with my body. Suddenly, I was failing royally as a sub, and he reminded me of it often. I felt like a fraud.
Now I know that dominance creates the submissive in the same way submission creates the dominant. When either partner approaches power exchange disrespectfully, the dynamic will erode until there’s no power exchange relationship left.
Dominance is not a role you take just to get more of what you want. It doesn’t give you permission to destroy your sub either. D/s is no game. Sadomasochism, in the wrong hands, can have permanent consequences for a bottom. Until I met Dom B, I had no idea kink could devastate your health and quality of life so profoundly. I always thought that degree of destruction only happened to other people; that I was immune because I could see a dominant like that coming from a mile away. I was wrong.
Dominants must earn submission for the sake of their subs’ safety. If you take on the role, you must be wary of your own arrogance. You must keep a watchful eye on your selfishness. You must have a good understanding of consent, and you must be willing to help fix what you break. If you do none of these things, catastrophe will ensue, and it’s your submissive who bears the brunt of that.
We, as subs, only put our power and wellbeing in your hands because we believe you’re willing to be responsible with it. If you have no fucks to give beyond your own pleasure, you’re an asshole, not a dominant.