A Pharmaceutical Company is Trying to Cock Block Me

To some guy at the Food and Drug Administration

A pharmaceutical company is trying to cock block me. They say a trial found that the male birth control pill increased the sex drive of 38% of participants, so (drumroll) they ended the study early because men and their partners were unhappy with those side effects. That’s obviously a bald-faced lie. There aren’t more than three women on this earth who would complain about more sex, least of all, me.

I know you’re all into evidence and shit, so I’ve prepared the following randomised double-blind study to support my premise:

The Clinical Trial to End All Clinical Trials About Men’s Birth Control

Sample: The Accidental Sub

Control group: 10, 856 people in The Accidental Sub’s imagination

Objective: To prove that The Accidental Sub will definitely fizzle up in her own unsated lust like a salted snail if 38% of all straight men don’t get libido boosts.

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Method: The author, The Accidental Sub (there is unquestionably no conflict of interest here) studied The Accidental Sub’s sex life in 2017 and compared it to what she thinks everyone else’s sex life is like.

Results: So far, I’ve had (trigger warning) no sex this year whatsoever. This is in complete contrast to what I think is true of everyone else’s sex lives: I just know they fuck seven times daily every day.

My adverse events:

  • My Lelo wand died (trigger warning) mid-orgasm.
  • I developed a sudden disinterest in shaving my knees.
  • I periodically wondered if unshaved knees are noticeable if the rest of your legs are smooth.
  • I cared enough about winning a backgammon game to develop a theory about how dice thrown from higher up yield higher numbers.
  • I agonised about how, when other people want blowjobs, they just pick up the phone and dial any random asshole in their phone book (this is the randomised part of my clinical trial), whereas when I want blowjobs, I start drooling and reciting nursery rhymes while wondering if I still own a Lelo charger.
  • Every two hours, I suffered from intrusive thoughts about whether my good underwear still exists.

As for the control group, they had sex every time I thought about my missing Lelo charger. The effects were fatal. I died early on 4 January during an especially poignant recitation of Humpty Dumpty. If it must be said, yes, I did fizzle up like a snail.

Conclusion: The male birth control pill must be immediately rolled out to every dom on earth for the benefit of my ghost, who deserves a better sex life than the crap one I had when I was still alive.

Yours sincerely

The Accidental Sub

P.S. I did read your ethical considerations, by the way, but, due to the use of made-up words like divestiture and applicability, I wasn’t clear on whether I could send you a “donation”. I’m guessing you like money as much as the rest of us, so there’s $30 in it for you if you get the male birth control pill into circulation immediately.

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