I’ve Lived the Life of a Vanilla Girl

I’ve lived the life of a vanilla girl trying out kinks I was too young to know were not “normal”. I never had a baseline for sex or love. I was a red sheep in a flock full of black and white sheep fumbling through the adolescent throes of what it meant to be sexual. When friends were kissing boys in clubs, I was filming home porn with my twenty-something-year-old boyfriend. I have always been “different”. Even so, I hadn’t yet felt what it meant to be me.

I’ve lived the life of a vanilla girl giving up kink because I was old enough to know it wasn’t normal. I had two dogs and a picket fence, and none of it showed me what it felt like to be me.

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I would sometimes stumble on a black sheep who saw me through the throes of a hedonistic kind of kink: the type that goes skin-deep and nothing more. I learned what it meant to cut out intimacy for the sake of the next sexual high. I sometimes thought I’d found out what it meant to be me, but there were too many shadows in that life. It only made me feel dark and dank inside.

I was much older when I learned what it felt like to be me. Power exchange became my baseline for sex and love, and light flooded in with everything else. It felt as though I’d unearthed the holy grail. I learned early on that some in the kink community were offended by the use of the word ‘orientation’ to describe submission, but that’s the only word I’ve ever come across that describes it: I’d been living other people’s lives for 37 years, and I was finally living my own.

There were no shadows there. There was only lightness and intensity. Sex had never felt so pure before. I’d found home. D/s gave me the precise combination of elements I wanted and needed, and submission was only one of them. It brought the kind of intimacy I had never experienced before.

It affected me so profoundly that it changed my world. I unpacked all my darkest secrets for the first time, and so I found out what it felt like to be loved for me. In many ways, I wish I’d discovered D/s sooner, but all the lives I’ve lived only make this one feel so much brighter.

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