The Fetlife Stepford Zombie Apocalypse

I’d personify The One Twue Way as your annoying Uncle Frank who always tells you’ve dished up enough cheese sauce for your broccoli for fucksakes and why weren’t you at communion on Sunday? Master Twue is the stranger who walks up to you on the street and lectures you about your smoking. It’s Mabel at the salon who wears fur and leopard print but tells you your haircut sucks anyway.

The One Twue Way takes kink so seriously its rules could circumnavigate the globe if laid end to end.

Confused about your sex life? The Twue Submissive knows what you should do about it. Just make sure you treat your sub label with all the seriousness of a religion. Do you think we don’t notice you treating sex as though it’s meant to be fun? That’s precisely the attitude that will make BDSM evaporate from planet earth in under five seconds and set all the zombies free to destroy the paraphilic universe.

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By the way, we saw you trying to safeword out of your punishment last week. When people start treating romance as though it’s meant to be beautiful, all other Fet members completely lose the ability to engage in kinky sex. What you do in your cobbled-together dungeon with your husband and his best friend affects us. The way you kink changes the way I kink. It’s true.

Acceptance? What’s that? We saw you laughing at your brat during Friday’s scene. That kind of behaviour undermines the superiority of every True Dominant on the site. We should know. We wrote the textbook. Yes, we on Fetlife have a lot of rules, but they can be summed up in one sentence: Be who we tell you to be and not who you seem to be.

I must regularly remind myself that it’s okay to have relationships that are more concerned with magic than some kind of skewed and obscure didacticism. The day I try to fit into Fetlife’s moral expectations of my kink is the day I need to let go of BDSM completely. It’s unsafe. It’s immoral. It’s a fast track to abuse.

If The One Twue Way had its way, I would not exist. My sex life would suck balls, and not in a good way, so I think I’ll just go back to seeing kink as raucous fun and awesomeness and leave you to your Orwell novel.

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