A Dog Tests Neil Strauss’ Pick Up Artist Tips

In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out.

I went after the ball instead of waiting for it to come to me. It just sat there like a ball, and did not throw itself.

(Experiment One: Fail)

Don’t assume she doesn’t like being touched, just keep touching until she pulls away or says something.

I sniffed a Husky-lady’s butt. She sniffed mine back. We walked in an infinite circle for 10 minutes, then our leashes got tangled. I’m not sure if this was the goal of this experiment because I can’t decide who was sexier, the Husky or my human.

Men are not dogs. We merely think we are, and, on occasion, act as if we are.

I’m a man dog. This excerpt is too existentialist for me.

(Experiment Three: Fail)


Try to resist a woman’s charm by pretending to be disinterested. This will cause her to lower her self-esteem.

I ignored the hawt lab who was tied to the supermarket door. She did not sniff my butt. She just kept on trying to lick peanut butter out of a rubber ball.

(Experiment Four: Fail. I did not get any peanut butter.)

Instead of seeking her approval, give her yours. Then take it away. Then give it to her again. This is called flirting.

I gave her the ball. I took the ball away. I gave her the ball again. She slobbered on it.

(Fail. Slobbery balls are not cool.)

Love is a velvet prison.

Does it have bacon inside?

Rather than just being yourself, focus on discovering and permanently bringing to the surface your best self.

Went out dressed in a pink collar and pretended to be a poodle. The bitches at the park stole my Captain Fantastick Super Stick Toy.


We make fun of those we’re most scared of becoming.

Foh Shoh. I’m definitely scared of becoming a poodle.


If a woman has been married three years or more, you come to learn that she’s usually easier to sleep with than a single woman.

My couch cushion is married to my kennel cushion, and both are equally easy to shag. I’m not sure if either of them is a woman.

The success of a relationship should be measured by its depth, not by its length.

I do not know any sausage dogs. I thus lack a comparator to form an unbiased opinion about length with.


There is no such thing as cheap sex. It always comes with a price.

I shagged the fence post this morning. It did not ask me to buy it a can of Cesar Gourmet.


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