Profile of a Dating Site Princess

As my profiles says, I’m a princess, and I’ve come to teach the internet’s lesser minions how to be a True Lady like me. I am the Jesus of Class. Well, if Jesus had been a princess, anyway. Call me Jesusette LOL, but before I continue, I must warn you that there is no sin quite as heinous as partially reading a profile, so I’ve put a trick question at the end.

I learned how to be pretty on the hilltops of Shojoshin, where I was taught The Art of bending over prettily while simultaneously flinging my hair. I always say, and I quote: “All true princesses know how to genuflect while performing the perfect plié.” After 12 years of meditating on The Importance of Twirling, I earned my doctorate in highlighting and bleaching. I spent the rest of my 21 years learning how to sigh prettily, a talent that I cannot emphasise enough.

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I’ve joined OKCupid to teach lesser women how to invent their own dazzling, yet romantic, fairy tales, which I believe should always involve pinkness and twinkling. Here’s my course structure:

  • How to bring your inner gorgeousness out to sparkle. What kind of man would want a woman who doesn’t know how to highlight with foundation? OMG! And don’t even tell me you’re a guy so you don’t wear makeup. Do you really think those pecs are going to contour themselves? I think not.

  • How to use the word “like” as an adjective, noun, pronoun, verb, and metaphor.
  • How to find a true Alpha Male who will provide chocolate on command.
  • How to decorate your sentences with French words that sound as though they mean sexy things. Don’t worry. You don’t need to know how to speak French to appear to know how to speak French. Observe: Je se amour de avec de’ aim. Sounds sexy even though I made it up! LOL.) It’s easier than you think.
  • The Art of Taking Selfies in 7023 poses without Letting Your Glitter Shadow Slide .

Obv. I’m also here to find a boyfriend, too, but I’m gorgeous so that won’t take long.

Now for your trick question. In the first line of your message, use the words, “Hi,” “hello”, or “hey.” That’s my foolproof system for making sure you read to the end, but you’re welcome to use it yourself. I’m generous like that! Muah!

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