Why I’ll Never Come Out as Kinky

My mother never knew that I preferred my second orgasm to my first or that finger fucking bored my vagina to sleep. I’ve never told my sister that blowjobs are my favourite non-kinky enterprise or that I can kiss for hours and still have time for more. It’s fun to talk to friends about the many terrifying dangers of Prince Alberts and John-Holmes-esque cocks, but I don’t need to make a grand exit from a dark and shameful BDSM closet. Two of my vanilla friends know about my kinky proclivities, but I don’t need them to have a 3-D rendering of my sexuality to feel understood. That’s why I’ll never be one of those people who comes out as a sub. The only vanilla person who’d benefit from that information is the Prince Charming-but-Evil in my future.

Undtitled

At this point, I must ask you to nominate me as the person who crammed the most qualifiers into a paragraph this year. Please and thank you. <genuflect>

If I were less heterosexual, I’d leap out of my closet dramatically enough to win an Oscar, but I’m straight, so you’ll never know how tear-inducing my performance would have been.

Sorry.

My people need to know who I love and why I keep them in my life, and that answer has never been “because kink.” I’m not a slave, so the way I live isn’t influenced by BDSM. That means it’s irrelevant to most of my friends, but if I did have a 24/7 dynamic, I’d probably keep it a secret anyway. Parading my sexuality before non-consenting vanillas would make them uncomfortable, and rightfully so. I don’t want to watch them satisfy their foot fetish over the family dinner table, and I see my kink dynamic as equally inappropriate for public viewing outside BDSM events.

I only have contempt for our habit of scaring The Vanillas™ for sport. I have no interest in proving I’m so cool I wear a spikey collar when I do the housework. I don’t want to shock or worry the people I care about, and 98% of them would worry themselves senseless if they knew I let men bruise me for fun. They don’t get it, and that’s okay with me.

Besides, they need to know I like belt beatings as much as they need to know I like the missionary position.

But I wouldn’t tell the kink community about that last thing because I wouldn’t want to scare the not-so-vanillas for sport.

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