Reasons I Didn’t Use My Safe Word

Masochist’s Pride.

My pain threshold was low that day, and I felt I owed you more.

You wouldn’t use a traffic light system and I didn’t want the scene to end.

I only needed to check in with you.

I didn’t want to disappoint you.

My words got stuck in my throat.

I was ashamed that I needed to stop.

Everyone was watching, and they wouldn’t have needed a safe word.

It had been so long since we played hard, and I wanted to give you what you needed.

I thought that I owed it to you to push through.

I thought that I wasn’t drowning.

was drowning, but I didn’t want you to know that.

I thought you’d think less of me. I don’t want you to think less of me.

I wasn’t sure if it was the pain of the scene or the pain of the day that was intolerable.

I hated myself right then. I don’t know why.

I needed to cry.

I forgot how to cry.

I wanted to disappear.

I had already disappeared.


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