My pain threshold was low that day, and I felt I owed you more.
You wouldn’t use a traffic light system and I didn’t want the scene to end.
I only needed to check in with you.
I didn’t want to disappoint you.
My words got stuck in my throat.
I was ashamed that I needed to stop.
Everyone was watching, and they wouldn’t have needed a safe word.
It had been so long since we played hard, and I wanted to give you what you needed.
I thought that I owed it to you to push through.
I thought that I wasn’t drowning.
I was drowning, but I didn’t want you to know that.
I thought you’d think less of me. I don’t want you to think less of me.
I wasn’t sure if it was the pain of the scene or the pain of the day that was intolerable.
I hated myself right then. I don’t know why.
I needed to cry.
I forgot how to cry.
I wanted to disappear.
I had already disappeared.