How My Kinks Disappeared

Before I put together this SpanishRed profile, I called myself a slave. I wanted to dial my submission up until it was deafening. My first dominant drew out my most submissive self, not through expectations, but trust. The more potent our dynamic became, the happier I was. With no entitlement weighing me down, I wanted to give… and give… and give.

I forgot how to tie my shoelaces and learned how to hide my sexual intensity around polite company. I was mortified by my own experiences and utterly in love with the man who created them. I walked into walls and blundered through my work because I was so distracted by my memories of last night. All that magic made me think M/s fit me best.

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When I arrived on Fetlife, I read reams and reams of writing by other slaves, and suddenly acquiescence seemed too high a price to pay. There were practicalities to the dynamic that I’d never experienced because my relationship hadn’t matured from a fairy tale to a bread-and-butter life.

Clearly I was a sub after all. Just a sub, mind you, not a masochist. I entered my next relationship knowing I’d finally figured out my role, and then pain hit me like a ton of multiple orgasms. Fine, so I was into S&M after all, but at least I knew how my kink future would play out: as a spanko sub, and that would be the end of my kink evolution.

Um. Wait. Maybe I was a brat as well.

It’s easy to manipulate a woman who believes it’s her duty to fill your casting precisely. I set aside need after need in a dynamic that was becoming increasingly abusive. In the end, I broke utterly, but I was sure I’d fit my sub label again when I recovered.

I did recover, but I also took the “sub” label off my profile. These days, I call myself a bottom because submission is a risk I’m not sure I want to take again. I’ve clearly come to the end of my evolution. I’ve found my label, dammit, and its tattoed into my flesh…

… or maybe I just want to begin every relationship from the starting block and not the finish line. Maybe submission can, and should, unfold organically. I’ve gone all the way back to the beginning of my first BDSM relationship, which started from vanilla. It worked because we built it a millimetre at a time. I consciously chose every enth of submission because it was safe, light, and fun.

D/s is not a destination for me anymore. It’s a hope, and one that my next relationship might never support. I’ve stopped letting my sexuality define my relationships before my relationships earn my role.

And that’s the healthiest way for me to live.

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