Things You Should Probably Know Before You Become My Dom

  • I will expect blowjobs when I wake up at 4 am. Try not to take this personally. It’s just that that’s what doms are for.
  • You will probably find belts in weird, yet convenient, locations around the house: next to the kettle… hanging in the shower… draped over the front door. I definitely didn’t put them there. They clearly walked there themselves to demonstrate their sense of uselessness. It’s your job to help them feel useful again.
  • I will always be the dom of my bed, so if I give you an extra square centimetre, it will feel like a big step for me. Cherish these big steps. They’re what true submission is made of.
  • I often break out into song from my favourite childhood musicals because they’re a few of my favourite things. There is only one way to stop me, and it involves that belt that’s fortuitously dangling from the light fitting. I truly don’t know how it got there, though.

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  • It’s not that you don’t matter. It’s just that I’m a crap sub.
  • Cleaning products make me go into anaphylaxis, but I’m willing to risk your cleaning the oven in my presence. My love is profound and generous.

  • If you count down from 10 for my orgasm, I will definitely start singing The Final Countdown by Europe. It’s a glitch I was born with. The only cure is that belt that’s conveniently buckled around your head. I have no idea how that happened either, though. I’m beginning to think the house is haunted.
  • To aid your lifelong journey of learning how to be a dom, I am willing to challenge your preconceived notions about which of us cooks dinner tonight.
  • My pants fell off? What an odd problem. Do you suppose it might be solved by using the belt that’s currently cable-tied to your beard?
  • I understand you have to do your taxes, send an email to your boss, and get ready for a meeting, but have you considered having a blowjob right now?
  • … maybe that belt tied around your penis should be included in this oral adventure. It clearly climbed up there for a reason.
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