Things I Say to My Dog that I Could Also Say to My Exboyfriend

  • Leaning over to change the channel is not an invitation to put your nose halfway up my butt.
  • If you’ll just stop drooling on my thigh, I might let you play with your balls.
  • IF YOU PEE ON MY LEG I WILL TAKE YOUR MEATY TREATS AWAY FOR A WEEK BLOODY HELL!
  • Aw, you brought me a bone! Good boy! I love bones almost as much as I love furry hugs.
  • No, you may not lick my nose.
  • Fetch the belt. Good boy. <pat pat>
  • Dude! The vacuum cleaner isn’t that scary.

Untitolled

  • If you stopped grabbing food every time I open the fridge, you might be interested in your dinner for a change.
  • That’s what happens when you eat seven loaves of bread and a rose hip.
  • Why is there toilet paper strewn over the TV set?
  • I was literally gone for five minutes, not five centuries you ass.
  • If you don’t stop licking your balls I will put a cone over your head.
  • Aw, I love you Furry McCuddlebutt the Third.
  • Yes, way more than chocolate.
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