Barely Noticable, Yet Irrefutable, Signs that She Wants to Fuck You

She twists her hair around her small finger and sucks on it lightly before hacking up a hairball from the last time she wanted to fuck someone so bad she swallowed most of her head. The hairball is a pre-mating gift. Treat it as such.

She licks her lips, then gets up from the table and begins to wriggle-jump sideways like a seriously demented Pac Man.

The three S’s: Sucking lightly on her finger, sighing into her cocktail glass, and showing up for your date wearing three forlorn peacock feathers as a tail.

She winks messages to you in Morse code all night.


When she picks you up for coffee, she swings her hips coquettishly before aggressively challenging you to a dance-off. Bonus points if she sings along. That means anal sex for sure, or maybe she’s even willing to work your penis into her break dance act.

She delicately wraps a fry and a tube of lipstick in lettuce, ties it with string, deposits it on your plate, then waits expectantly.

She picks flint off your collar and sprinkles it on the seared tuna she keeps on eyeing sensually.

She looks you up and down and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to stuff a butt like yours with crayons and use it as my own personal Crayola set.” If she says it in sign language, it’s a sign that she’s definitely into threesomes.

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