Dudebros Can’t Hide for Long in Kink Country

You can get away with a thousand kinds of shitty behaviour if you’re dating in vanilla terrain. That world has biomes the size of China, so the accountant you met on OkCupid probably won’t know the Tinder model you took out on the night you stood her up because your car “broke down.” Lies are easy to maintain in Vanilla Land.

This is not Vanilla Land. This is Kink Country, and it’s the size of France, so everyone knows everyone. Even if your local kink parties attract a few hundred players, we talk to one another. The brunette who thinks you’re a self-supporting bachelor is friends with the one who knows you’re nothing of the kind. There are only two or three degrees of separation between the man you cheated on and the one you’re hoping to convince of your true and ethical heart.


In this tiny ecosystem, the caves and crevices where you hide your true self will be stumbled on accidentally five times before breakfast. We know your lies because we share our lives with one another. We talk when we meet a promising person, and when he exhibits classic dudebro behaviour, we share it even faster.

The worse your actions, the faster the news will travel. We usually annihilate the hiding places of rapists and other predators eventually. We sometimes take years, but we get there sooner or later. We’re the #MeToo generation, and when you’re outed as an abuser, it’s on a grand scale.

You don’t have to be monogamous or relationship-oriented in this ecosystem, so there’s no legitimate reason to lie…

… well, unless you’re hoping to manipulate us into a hook up we wouldn’t otherwise choose, but that’s precisely the attitude that travels halfway across the world via Fetlife’s inboxes.

We will stymie all your manipulations, so they’re largely pointless. There’s an easy solution to this, of course: behave like a decent human. It’s not especially difficult, and honesty is a highly effective dating tool. Hiding is not, so come out into the sunshine. We won’t forgive your dishonesty or predation, but most of us will appreciate it if you share your other flaws.

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