I mock my perpetual celibacy in my satire a lot, but Fetlife rarely groks the secret of my singleness. Under every post, you’ll find at least one, “I’ll shag you For Science, for I am magnanimous that way.” There are also those who come bearing solutions I could never have come up with myself: “Just join a dating site.” “Be less fussy.” “Get a hobby.” And then there’s this dudebro: “If you went to gym you’d get laid.”
I carry off a pair of yoga pants just fine. I’m not invested enough in my sex life to go through reams of online dating profiles, and I don’t want to shag internet strangers who snipe for dates on internet posts.
The one reason for my celibacy that few people guess at is that I choose it. I could get laid today in many beautiful ways, but my appetite for casual sex dissolved when I found BDSM. Kink uncovers every secret that you have. It asks you to become helpless and degraded and mad with lust. Those are three things I’d sooner save for a man who knows me intimately.
No amount of aftercare can make me feel comfortable about submission with strangers. I need love to give up power, and I’m more than willing to wait for it.
And waiting for that kind of relationship will not make me wither into a weepy, resentful mess, so your concern for my empty sex life is misplaced anyway. Singleness is not a disease. It doesn’t come with 50 harrowing symptoms and five ways to die. Being single means I get to wallow in as much alone time as I like. I can go where I want, when I want, and I don’t have a single obligation to hold me back. Solitude is one of my life’s greatest luxuries, and I’m not going to complain about the many, many freedoms.
I don’t need sex to feel whole. I feel like a complete human all the time, and not only when there’s someone in my bed.
If you’re active in Fetlife’s more visible corners, it’s pretty difficult to stay single. You actively have to resist losing your celibacy because you get enough cold messages to start a multilevel marketing business. I’m not single for the lack of male interest. I’m single for my lack of interest in settling for less for the sake of my poor, woeful vagina.
I am single because I am whole and am willing to wait for another whole person: one who makes my throat close and my breath shallow and my solitude seem like a poor substitute for his company.