What to Do When You Realise You Haven’t Been Laid in Two Years

-1) Cry into your tuna salad.

-2) Realise you packed tuna salad for lunch and cry even more.

-3) Write a gratitude letter to your Lelo wand in seven parts with PowerPoint slides because it’s unlikely, yet possible, that magic wands are illiterate.

-4) Glue glitter onto your oestrogen level test results and then turn them into a shrine to your fading lust.

-5) Develop a new theory about how all porn is a part of the collective unconscious so it’s technically true that you got laid yesterday at 9 am.

-6) And 10.

-7) And 11.

-8) You get the picture.

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-9) Climb up onto your office chair and loudly declare to your coworkers that you’re wearing seriously red lipstick and stilettos today. Just saying.

-10) Like, for literally no reason, honestly.

-11) Murder the ant that’s making a great trek across your oestrogen shrine because it probably got laid today, unlike you.

-12) Begin adding exclamation points to every sentence in your business emails to shed your excess sexual energy!!!

-13) Add winky smileys every time you mention “giving 110%”!!!

-14) Join OkCupid!!!

-15) HOLY FUCK WHAT WERE YOU THINKING KILL THAT PROFILE WITH FIRE BLOODY HELL!!! –

16) Tell the Uber driver you technically still have a vagina.

-17) Again, you’re just saying. Like, for no reason, honestly.

-18) Find out who’s shagging who at work. Walk up to them, point, and shriek, “I may think of you softly from time to time. But I’ll cut off my hand before I ever reach for you again*!!!”

-19) Okay so maybe apologise to all those people.

-20) While pointing to your extremely red lipstick.

-21) And carrying a sign with a winky smiley above your head.

-22) Write to your boss to tell him you’re really quite sane.

-23) Start camming from the office bathroom stall anyway.

-24) Tell your friend that her invitation to lunch is clearly a barely disguised criticism of the granny panties you bought yesterday and the social powerlessness they instill in women who have forgotten how to find their clitorises.

-25) Download a diagram of a clitoris with a pointy arrow from Google Images.

-26) Cry.

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