Last week, I read a how-to post about oral sex by a self-professed expert. He said the best way to manage this rare skill is by looking a woman in the eye while simultaneously giving her a rim job. You should then eat her out for three seconds, kiss her mouth, eat her out again, and give her yet another rim job. Then dance gangnam style while circling her clit and telling her how sexy she is. I’ve concluded that he’s an alien with two tongues, metre-long arms, and eyes on two-foot stalks.
By the end of the post, the tiny man in my head had tangled his tongue in his eye stalks and tied his torso in a beautiful bow. It was spectacular.
Every time I see an Oral Sex Guru professing his talents, I’m reminded of how gifted I am at bookkeeping, which I achieve with an abacus and a 1920 textbook on homiletics. That’s why I hire someone else to do my taxes, which is a habit Oral Sex Guru should seriously consider adopting.
Oral sex isn’t that mysterious. Not if it’s my clit you’re circling, anyway. If you have a penis, you have half the information you need to get me off. Clitorises are just tiny cocks with alien-like tentacles anyway. They’re more sensitive and have their own hidey-holes, but that’s pretty much the end of our differences.
Did I mention that I’m a blowjob guru, by the way? I’ll teach you my secret. Breaking cock contact every two minutes is the best way to get him to come. It is. Is too. Gentle tongue is a necessity, too. Cocks like only the slightest pressure. It’s true.
Bloody hell. If I gave you that kind of head, you’d kick me off and watch infomercials, so stop over-complicating my clitoris. Every man who told me he was good at giving head was horrible at it, probably because my vulva doesn’t like overwrought techniques. When a man’s eating me out with his ego instead of his common sense and powers of observation, I start writing shopping lists in my head.
If I were to give every man one oral sex skill, it would be knowledge of what a clitoris actually looks like. I’ve never had sex with a man who knew how to give all of it the attention it deserved, and so I call into evidence diagram 1.0. See, clitorises extend all the way down to the vagina. Think about all the things you could do with that.
What’s good for the cock is more or less good for the clit, so stop treating me like a precious pink cloud. Stop being a damned guru. Clits like repetition and pressure. See how simple that is? My body isn’t a mystery. My brain is, though. Think about all the things you could do with that.